Gwendolyn of the Wind
by Cardinal Robbins
Summary: SVU AU Post-ep for Zebras. John Munch tries to locate his first ex-wife, Gwen Talbot Munch, who has gone underground after meeting with him at the 16th precinct. How did she and John first meet up? Have conspiracies destroyed her? Should he allow ex-FBI Agent Sarah Zelman to help him find her? Will his love for his ex-wife come between John and Sarah?


"Gwendolyn of the Wind"

by Cardinal Robbins (Copyright 2010)

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Author's Notes: For the record, I don't agree with what Neal Baer's writers did to the character of Gwen Munch, so lovingly crafted by the writers of Homicide: Life on the Street. The Gwen we know from H:LOTS is not the paranoid-schizophrenic we were given in the s10 finale of SVU, "Zebras." However, this very out of character Gwen also quite rapidly spawned some fic. I probably shouldn't have written it into my AU, but the idea for this post-ep wouldn't leave me until it was allowed out.

I don't own John or Gwen, but Sarah's mine and always will be.

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John Munch sat in the darkness of his small apartment, his careworn features lit only by the glow of his laptop's screen. He keyed in his login and password, immediately greeted by a list of new bulletin board posts. He scanned the usernames, his brow furrowed as he realized the latest of that night's countless searches had been fruitless.

"She's in the wind, John," Sarah Zelman said softly, coming up behind him to massage the tension from his neck and shoulders. "But that doesn't mean you should ever stop searching."

He sighed, his left hand reaching up to catch hers as he deftly keyed in another website with his right. "How did you know who I was looking for?" He turned away from the computer, his attention fully on his partner as he motioned for her to sit down beside him.

"After what happened when you tried to talk with her at the precinct? It wasn't hard to guess." She tentatively reached over, caressing his face – the side the first ex-Mrs. Munch had slapped hard enough she'd heard it through the office window.

"Does it upset you that I'm trying to keep tabs on Gwen?" He surprised himself, actually holding his breath for a moment as he waited for her answer. Would Sarah feel as his subsequent ex-wives had felt? Granted, they weren't married, but that didn't mean she wasn't capable of the same emotions as his previous loves.

"On the contrary, I think you should…for a variety of reasons." She stroked his long fingers, his hands steepled as he deliberated on where to search next.

He took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes with thumb and forefinger, wishing he hadn't pulled away from her. "You're telling me it really doesn't bother you I'm still connected to my ex-wife?"

"If you're expecting me to fly into some kind of jealous rage, or yell at you for still caring about her, you're going to be very disappointed." She noticed he wasn't able to make eye contact, his gaze on the keyboard. She tipped his chin upward, looking straight into his dark eyes. "You keep forgetting…I'm not one of your exes, sweetheart."

He looked at her, an expression of gratitude in his eyes. "Nancy and Maria never knew I kept in touch with her, aside from writing her an alimony check every month. Billie Lou caught me writing Gwen a note once – she refused to let me sleep with her for two weeks." He reached over and took her hand, unable to find the words to thank her for understanding.

"They didn't get it, John, but I do. It doesn't make me feel threatened, if that's what you're worried about." She squeezed his hand, flashing the brief smile that let him know it was going to be okay.

"I just want to make sure she's all right," he explained. "She's not only in the wind, she's off her meds." The last time he had checked with some mutual acquaintances through Gwen's restaurant in Hell's Kitchen, it was true: She'd stopped taking the Risperdal, partly because of the side-effects, but mostly because of her fear of Big Pharma controlling her mind.

"I'd offer to search for her through the FBI connections on my Bureau laptop, but that would tag her by the Feds," Sarah replied. "Neither of us want to do that to her."

He nodded, chilled by the fact it would only take a few keystrokes to cause Gwen's biggest fear to materialize. "I appreciate the offer, sweetie, but when she goes underground it can last weeks. A few times, it's lasted over months. She has people who'll run the restaurant for her, no questions asked – or info given."

Sarah looked at the clock: it was past one-thirty in the morning. She got up to make two cups of peppermint tea, scooting one across the tabletop to her partner. "John, when did Gwen start taking meds for her paranoia?"

Munch's head snapped up as Zelman looked at him nervously. "Sarah, I know what you're thinking: I've found another woman I love and she takes psych drugs." He reached out, took her hand and squeezed a little harder than usual. "You've always been very upfront with me about your issues, babe." He took in a breath, let it out slowly and continued, "Gwen's paranoid. You're not…at least, not like she is."

"That's the point, sweetheart – I might be closer than you think, I've just worked all my life to hide it. I've never told you this before, because I've never had to – "

"You're paranoid about the government; we both are, almost to the point of tinfoil hats." He forced a fragile smile, putting his glasses on once more. "You've never had to explain it to me, Sarah. I've always accepted it in you, as you accept that part of me."

"It's not entirely that, John. I wanted to work for the FBI for more than the satisfaction of being a special agent. I wanted to know if a lot of what I suspected about this government was actually true." The more they discussed it, the more visibly upset she always became.

"I figured that out about you less than two months after we met."

"I know, but I also did it to try and overcome my police paranoia." She let out a deep sigh, watching the tea in her mug respond to the shaking of her hands. "You never saw me in those days, breaking out in a cold sweat every single time I saw a police cruiser or a motorcop. To this day, it takes a heavy hit of psych meds to control that paranoia. Do you understand what I'm saying?" She stared into his eyes with a distance, a coldness, which startled him. "You may have become involved with another version of Gwen."

"No, I haven't," he insisted. "Don't worry, it's not like I haven't seen you jump when you catch a patrol cop out of the corner of your eye." He put his hand on top of hers, rubbing her fingers. "A lot of people trip out when they see a cop. It's not as abnormal as you think. Besides, you always take your drugs, every day without fail."

"A lot of the time I struggle with taking my drugs," she admitted. "It means a lifetime of medication to keep my brain from going on self-destruct." Sarah looked at John, shaking her head sadly. It was a near-constant process, the medication, the tweaking of pills and dosages, the hope she'd remain stable enough to keep doing her job...to keep loving him. She leaned into his side as he wrapped his arm around her and held her tightly. "How did it start with Gwen?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"It was little things at first, almost imperceptible," he answered, thinking back to the early days of their relationship. "Like you, she did a lot of research on the JFK assassination. Unlike you, she was too emotionally invested in what she uncovered."

"Is that how you met?" She watched John's computer screen go into screen saver mode, both of them content to be close to each other in near total darkness.

"Yes," he replied. "The little coffee shop I told you about, the one where she told me about the perp's whereabouts? There was one just like it in Baltimore. I saw her deeply engrossed in a book, one I'd read the week before." He smiled at the recollection, Sarah mirroring his expression at the thought of him seeing Gwen for the first time. "I struck up a conversation with her and we literally talked all night."

"Was she medicated then?"

"No. When she became increasingly paranoid, her mother blamed it on me." His tone still carried the hurt and shame of his inability to help her. "But I saw the changes in her on an almost daily basis. Her research became an obsession to the exception of everything else – and everyone else, including me." He stared down into the dregs of his tea, remembering how hard it had been to reach her, to keep her with him in the here and now. "Thus, the divorce."

"Oh, John…I'm so sorry…"

He let out a long sigh, stroking his fingers through Sarah's hair. "I've come to terms with it, sweetie. Gwen wasn't well, she'd almost lost touch with reality by then. As much as I despised her mother, it was Mrs. Talbot who convinced her daughter to get medicated."

"Did it help?"

"Within a few short weeks, Gwen was back to her sweet, scintillating – yet very suspicious – self. By then, however, the divorce was being finalized and we went our separate ways."

"How did you find out she was off her meds?" Sarah wondered aloud. It was often a façade with those who were considered mentally ill; they'd do their best to appear 'normal' while studiously avoiding their meds for a host of reasons.

"Her posts on various websites we both frequented. They were getting further and further out there, and the sites she visited were getting more and more outré." He turned slightly in his chair, opening a site which gave him GPS coordinates for Gwen's place of work. "I knew she had a restaurant in Hell's Kitchen, because she used the alimony checks to get it started. It quickly became a meeting place for the subversives and the dangerously government-phobic among us."

"I wish there was something I could do to help, John – to help you and Gwen." She looked at the clock. It was so late, but there he was still in street clothes, unwilling to give up his search despite the hour.

"You're already helping me, Sarah, by allowing me to do what I have to right now."

"Is there anything else I can do for you?"

He kissed her gently on the lips, the sadness on his face hidden by the darkness. He took off his glasses once more, folded them and put them next to the laptop which he turned off. "Yes, there is. Whatever you do, always remember to take your meds. I never want to lose you like I've lost Gwen."

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End file.
